So there are very few things that invoke hostility in me like the airport security line. The people who putter about in line, doing nothing productive, only to then get to the silver metal table before the x-ray machine and take 10 minutes to get out their laptop/throw away their water bottles/dig out their toiletries from their bag/take off all their jewelry/dig around in their pockets for loose change and wallets and cellphone and berries/final take off their shoes and then – oh wait! – take off their jacket make me INSANE (clearly). I want to throw things at them (and these are also the people who then stop immediately on the other side of the machine and start putting themselves back together, ignoring all the people trying to get their things around them). People are so f’-ing inconsiderate.  It’s like: have you never flown before? Is it a surprise that you have to take your laptop out? Could you not have started this process 10 minutes ago??? HATE.

In contrast, I’m the girl in line with her laptop out, ziplock bag in one hand, coat over her arm, ticket out and ready from the moment she steps in line.* I’m also the girl wearing the (extremely cute) ballet slippers that can be slipped off and thrown on the belt in under 2 seconds, as well as the girl glaring at the idiots in front of her and, if you catch her in the right mood, making cranky comments to her boyfriend who is pretending not to know her.**

As you likely know, girls like me are sadly outnumbered in the airport security line. Normally, this just annoys me; rarely does it amuse me. Until our return from Mystery Destination (still taking guesses!), when the boyfriend and I got stuck behind the worst traveller EVER (WTE). This young gentleman was clearly someone who is aware of the world around him, judging from the impressive array of technology he piled into his first plastic bin (including a MacBook and iPhone), but the fine points of the security process escaped him. Maybe he thought the security process would be more lax in Mystery Destination, but, since it is a part of the British Empire (clue!), I think that was expecting a bit much. First, he was shocked when the security people would not let him walk through the metal detector carrying a bottle of water (and then he held up the line while he chugged said bottle of water). Next, when the security people searched his first bag, they had to confiscate six cans of diet coke (WTE: They’re cans! Not bottles!).

But the best part was what they found in his other bag: A FIVE INCH FISHING HOOK. A thick, five inch fishing hook. With blood on the tip. Even the security guy was like: Seriously?! WTE claimed it was for shark fishing. Security still confiscated it. Which, well played, security. Well played.

*Really there is no need to take off the jewelry. I never do and I’ve never had a problem. It is the rare person sporting enough bling to actually set off the metal detector.

**He also pretended not to know me on the flight down to Mystery Destination when:

a) After listening to him complain for 10 minutes, I turned around and, extremely politely, asked the woman sitting behind me to please tell her 5 year old son who was sitting behind the boyfriend to STOP kicking the boyfriend’s seat (the boyfriend dislikes confrontation – I believe sometimes confrontation is necessary). I was very nice, but firm, about it and the kicking stopped, and

b) When the couple two rows behind us decided that they, and their 8-ish month old were so special that they were entitled to watch a movie on their laptop with FULL SOUND ON and no earphones. After listening to the high squeaky voices of whatever characters are popular with the under 1 set these days for about 10 minutes, I pushed the flight attendant call button and complained. And, despite the fact that these people were still being extremely RUDE, and you think I am 20-something-going-on-cranky-old-woman and a bitch, in my defense, it was also 8 am/I had just finished taking the BAR/got roughly 5 hours of sleep the night before/was a touch hungover. But, had none of those things been in play, I probs. would have reacted the same way. I really don’t like inconsiderate people/people who think the rules don’t apply to them.

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